I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
