I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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