Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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