im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
