I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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