I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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