I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
