im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
