I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
