oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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