So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
