I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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