just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
