I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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