I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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