I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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