Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
