I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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