someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
