R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
