I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
