Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
