he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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