Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
