i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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