I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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