I will die if light touches me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
