I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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