I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
