My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
