I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
