My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it because I queefed?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
