Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
