I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My room smells like vodka and shame
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
