We're facebook friends in real life
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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