I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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