The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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