1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
