Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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