I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
