i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
