According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
