Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
