I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
