Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
