I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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