I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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