He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
