i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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