god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
