i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
