i was born a porn star she said
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
