God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
