what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
