Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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