HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
