You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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