NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
