I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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