the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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