I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
