ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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