Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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